Healing
by PadfootSawyer
Summary: After the death of Marie, the Cartwrights are devistated. But soon, thanks to one family member, they start to heal together. One-shot, please R&R!
1. Prologue

What had started as a peaceful night turned into the wildest thunderstorm anyone had seen in years. No rain fell, yet the sky crashed and rolled together in a never-ending dance for domination. Lighting was always the first to strike, bright and furious. But thunder would retaliate, much louder and ferocious than the lightning could ever hope to be.

Adam Cartwright, giving up on sleep on such a restless night, threw off his blankets, slipped into his robe and boots, and walked as quietly as he could downstairs. Although, with as much noise as the storm was making, he doubted he would awake any of his family. Slightly frustrated, he lowered himself into his favorite chair by the fireplace; he needed his sleep. They had a cattle drive coming up in a few days and, even though Adam was still in his twenties – just barely – he wanted to get as much sleep as he possibly could before the weeks came where he would get minimal. But thanks to the storm, he would be getting no more sleep on this night.

Rather than stew in his unhappiness, Adam recalled, with perfect detail, a night that had been much different than this. That night had possessed no storm, but within the same house in which Adam now sat, things were on the brink of falling apart from a different vindictive guest…


	2. Joe

Upon entering the ranch house, Ben Cartwright went directly upstairs to his bedroom; Adam heard the door slammed with a satisfying "crash!" and knew that was the only place which his father could have gone. _What else will he close off over the next few weeks?_ Adam wondered.

Hoss, the middle brother, started to make his way to the stairs when Adam stopped him with, "Where are you going?"

"Up to make sure Pa's doin' OK," Hoss returned easily, as if it had been obvious. Adam shook his head.

"No. Pa… well, Pa just needs to be alone right now." It was understandable; he'd just lost his third wife. Adam couldn't blame him for wanting some privacy… Adam found himself wanting that very thing.

But with one glance at his two younger brothers, Adam could see very plainly that he could not obtain the time alone that he really desired. Hoss needed him. So did Joe. Adam put his own needs aside and resolved to help his brothers first.

Hoss sulked when he was told to leave Pa alone. What else was he supposed to do? He didn't want to play with Joe or do chores with Adam… and Mama wasn't there anymore to offer games or freshly baked cookies or stories or… anything. Thinking of her caused him to tear up, but he quickly wiped them away before Adam would notice.

But Adam did notice. Hoisting the uncharacteristically quiet Joe into a more comfortable position in his arms, Adam asked his younger brother, "Do you want to talk about it? That helps sometimes…"

"No," Hoss returned quickly. "I… I… I jest wanna be left alone like Pa." With that, Hoss climbed the stairs to his own room. Adam had a mind to follow him and ensure that their grieving father was left undisturbed, but remained where he was; Hoss was not one to disobey an order, regardless of whose mouth it came from. Instead, Adam turned his attention to Joe, who rested his head on Adam's shoulder. So rarely did Joe go to Adam to be held or cuddled, that Adam's suspicions of Joe being in need of a strong older presence made themselves painfully clear. He crossed to his usual blue armchair and carefully sat down; all the while watching to make sure Joe didn't display displeasure at his oldest brother's decision.

Once carefully settled into the chair, Adam relaxed his muscles as Joe wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and buried his small face into his collar. Adam gently removed the hat from Joe's head only to place his hand on the soft curls and soothingly start to stroke them. Then the tears came, softly at first but soon Joe's small frame was shaking with his sobs. Adam sat, allowing his brother to display his emotions.

Joe had been silent during the entire funeral, his young eyes full of confusion as he had observed men lowering a box that held his mother into the ground. Adam had done his best to explain death to a four-year-old; he'd hoped Pa would step in and take over, as he had always done, to tell Joe everything so that life could resume.

But Pa hadn't. He had closed himself off from the world and from his sons. There had been days where Pa didn't get out of bed and he rarely came out of his room. At first, Adam had been hurt; how could his father not realize that they were all grieving? That they needed him now more than ever? Especially Hoss and Joe?

_No_, Adam had decided. _**Only**__ Hoss and Joe. I don't need him to guide me through this; I can do that myself._ His attention re-focused on pushing life forward, Adam had stepped up over the last few weeks and completed necessary paperwork, kept the ranch hands busy, and always kept an eye on his brothers, cooking meals for them and cleaning up after them and making sure they got to bed on time. In one day, Adam had taken the step from boyhood to manhood, from being a sixteen-year-old to becoming a father and mother to Hoss and Joe and the head of the ranch. Everything would be taken care of, Adam would see to that. His brothers and the ranch would survive and come out of the other end better than before. As for his father… Adam couldn't guess.

Adam continued to stroke Joe's curls as Joe continued to sob. Even though Adam was relieved some emotional release was finally coming from the boy, he still yearned to understand exactly why his young brother felt so helpless as to show his older brother all he had kept inside. Normally, Joe attempted to show Adam that he was brave and could take care of himself. To show his raw sorrow in this way demonstrated to Adam the impact Marie's death had had on Joe.

Still…

"Hey, Pal," Adam said softly, taking his cue off of Joe's calming breaths.

Joe kept his face buried in Adam's collar, but responded, "Hmm?" Adam chose his next words with care.

"Do you know what's happened?" Joe nodded, trying to bury his face further into Adam's neck.

"Mama ain't commin' back." Adam winced at Joe's use of "ain't" but let it go in light of the circumstances.

"No, she won't come back. Do you know where she went?" Joe shook his head and Adam sighed. Again, he was confronted with explaining death to a four-year-old and, again, he wished his father was there to take Joe in his lap and explain it.

But Pa wasn't there. Adam was.

"Well… you see, Joe, when you die, they put your body in the ground but your soul goes up to heaven." Joe finally detangled himself from Adam and looked into his face.

"What's a 'soul'?"

"You're soul's what's inside you." Here, Adam touched his hand to Joe's heart and continued, "It's what makes you you." Joe was silent for a few moments, contemplating the words.

"Does it look like a ghost?"

"I don't know; it might. But there is no reason to be scared. Mama is with God now up in Heaven."

"I wanna be with God too so I can see Mama," Joe said, a new bout of tears welling up in his eyes. Adam took him by the shoulders gently.

"Joe," he said his tone gentler than his touch. "Look at me." It took a moment, but Joe eventually raised his eyes to Adam's. "Don't wish that ever. What do you think would happen to Pa, Hoss, and me if you died?"

Joe sniffed. "You'd be sad."

"That's right. God wants you to stay here so that we will all be OK. But God wanted Mama to be with Him."

"Why?" Joe suddenly demanded. "Why did God take Mama? Now we are all sad."

"I know, Joe," Adam said, brushing some of Joe's curls out of his eyes. "I know we're all sad, but God left us, didn't He? He let you and Hoss and Pa and me stay so that we can be sad together and comfort each other. God needed Mama but He knew that we needed each other." Joe tried to stay angry; at God or whatever he was upset with, but he soon melted, his tears spilling over as his expression succumbed to his sorrow. Adam pulled him back to his chest and Joe clutched Adam's shirtfront as he cried once more.

"It's going to hurt, Joe. And that's OK. It'll hurt for a long time but each day it'll get a little easier and it'll hurt a little less. But you'll always miss her, Joe, and that's OK. You can miss her and hurt and wish that she was here… just don't do anything drastic. Don't go see Mama before you have to." Joe had calmed down half-way through Adam's speech and had sat listening in silence. When Adam had reached the end, Joe nodded slightly, assuring his big brother that he wouldn't.

As Joe continued to weigh Adam's words and to calm down, Adam ran his hand up and down Joe's small back to soothe him further. At last, Joe sighed heavily, calmed to rationality.

"Come on," Adam said, standing up and setting Joe down on the ground. "I need to stable the horses and the wagon. Do you want to help me?" Just as Adam suspected, Joe's eyes sparkled as he nodded enthusiastically. He sent a smile down to Joe as the two of them went outside. Truth be told, Adam did all of the work; he had only invited Joe to get his younger brother's mind off of the present situation. But Adam hoped, now that Joe knew it was acceptable to miss and yearn for his mother, he would be able to move on with life. And, as Adam watched Joe attempt to brush the horses that were much too large for him, he felt confident that his small brother would be able to cope with his mother's death and, indeed, live life as if nothing had happened. Oh, Joe would surely miss her every day, but he would not allow that to interfere with his existence to an extent that he would stop living. And that was all that Adam concerned himself with.

Adam laughed softly at his brother's "help." Joe had now progressed to jumping to attempt to reach the horses. Adam walked over and picked him up, holding him at the horse's level so that Joe could actually carry out the task he was so desirous to finish. Joe happily brushed away for several moments before announcing that he was done.

As Adam set him back down, he asked, "Are you hungry?" Joe nodded as he put the comb away. "I'll race ya to the kitchen." Joe's face brightened even more.

"Yer gonna lose, older brother," he warned.

"Maybe little brother; maybe. Now, are you ready? Set? GO!" Joe tore for the house, Adam on his heels. As they entered through the kitchen door, Joe was a step before Adam, and the winner of their small race. He laughed in celebration as Adam outwardly glowered. Inwardly, though, he felt as if spring had arrived early, throwing back the icy black winter.

Joe would be just fine. Now Adam had to work on Hoss and he had a perfect way to get his middle brother out of his room. Adam ensured that the pots and pans were banged and crashed louder than usual as he prepared dinner, Joe more of a hindrance than a help but Adam enjoyed his company too much to send him away. Still, boundaries had to be set or dinner would never be finished. So Adam sent Joe to set the table, a task which his younger brother jumped at with the utmost amount of energy and excitement. He grabbed four place settings and walked out. Adam seriously doubted that Pa would join them but he said nothing, focusing on getting Hoss out of his room. Adam had a feeling that Hoss would emerge once his stomach protested loudly enough.


	3. Hoss

As if he and Adam had planned it, Hoss came down the stairs just as Adam and Joe sat down. Adam did not draw attention to Hoss's reappearance and Joe took his cue off of Adam, watching Hoss occasionally only to quickly glance away whenever Hoss looked up. But by the heaps of food Hoss piled onto his plate, Adam could tell that, eventually, Hoss would be OK too.

Once they had all finished dinner, Adam gave instructions; "Could you bring the dishes into the kitchen, Joe?" Joe nodded and started with his own plate. "Hoss, could you help me wash them?" Hoss hesitated, unsure which family member to follow. He could continue to follow Pa and go back to being alone in his room… But, truth be told, there wasn't a whole lot to entertain him up there… only uncomfortable thoughts and painful memories.

Or he could follow Joe and Adam, who both seemed just as sad as Pa but still worked, still lived… It wasn't a difficult decision to make.

Hoss shrugged his shoulders, saying, "Sure." Once in the kitchen, Adam fell to the actual washing, Hoss took up the task of drying, and Joe continued to bring in dish after dish for his older brothers to attend to. Silence ensued for some time, Adam occasionally glancing at Hoss, wondering when would be the best time to start the conversation. But soon all the moments were running together and Adam knew he had to make a move or chance Hoss going to bed and not emerging at all the next day.

He handed Hoss a glace and said, "I miss her, too." Hoss froze, his clear blue eyes jumping up to meet Adam's hazel ones. "So does Joe, but that doesn't mean time – life – can stand still as we grieve." Hoss dried the glass slowly, saying not a word. Once he was done, though, he again looked up to Adam.

"Why did _our_ Ma have to die? Why did this happen to us?"

Adam's gaze never wavered as he answered, "You can't ask yourself 'why.' That'll only drive you crazy because there is no answer. And it happened to our family because it was her time. God called her home."

"But why would He do that when He can see that she had a family?"

"Hoss, we can't argue or debate any of that. She was needed elsewhere and who are we to interfere?" Hoss nodded slowly, setting down another dry plate. Adam knew Hoss was experiencing immense sorrow; had not only lost his mother as an infant but he had lost another mother that he had grown to love as his own. Adam clearly saw the sadness in Hoss's face and his confusion; Hoss had grown accustomed to having a mother and now, to have her gone, he was unsure of his future and how life would continue without her.

Deciding his brother needed words to help guide him, Adam said, "I know you're confused and hurt, but you have to continue to live. Marie wouldn't want you to stop living just because she went to a better place. You can miss her and mourn for your loss but… don't make it your life." Adam paused to allow Hoss to absorb his words before delivering his next phrase; "Besides, Joe and I need you."

Hoss's gaze met Adam's, surprise registering clearly. Then shame and sorrow entered as Hoss dropped his eyes to the floor. When he raised them once more, tears were brimming.

"I… I'm sorry, Adam. I guess I din't think about that. I… I promise that I won't leave you and Joe alone." With that, he started to wipe away his tears and arrange his face into one of bravery, not of sorrow, the latter one which he was clearly feeling. Adam reached out and gripped Hoss's shoulder.

"Don't hide your emotions." _That's my job._ "Like I said, you can be sad. That's OK. Just don't let it take control of who you are. Today, you went and sat alone in your room to try and deal with the pain. Now, I am not saying that you can't do that or that it's wrong… Just know that I am here for you if you need to talk. And so is Joe. I'm sure he'd love to talk about Marie with you when you are both ready to." Hoss nodded. Silence stuck around for several moments, but it didn't stay. When Hoss caught Adam's eye once more, he was smiling and it reflected in his eyes.

"Thanks, Adam." Then, knowing how his older brother shied away from physical contact, Hoss gripped Adam's forearm briefly as a thank you then the two of them returned to the task of the dishes.

Soon enough, Joe returned, saying, "I'm done, Adam. There's nothin' left." Adam and Hoss turned to face him, both finished with the dishes

"Did you get enough to eat, Joe?" Adam asked, winking sideways at Hoss. Joe looked somewhat confused.

"Yes, why?"

"Because I am going to beat you this time. You and I are going to have another race. Right now." Joe grew excited.

"Where we gonna race to, Adam?"

"Why, up to your room, of course."

"OK… I just wanna let you know that you're gonna lose again."

"We'll see…" And the two raced up to Joe's room. Joe's giggles floating down to the kitchen caused Hoss to think that his younger brother had won. Again, apparently.

Finished with the dishes, Hoss looked around him for the next task. But all had been done. He wandered into the Great Room but likewise found no activity to otherwise distract him. He lowered himself onto the settee for lack of any other place to go and sat in the silence. Accompanying the silence, as they always seem to do, were memories. Marie had always found something to do with Hoss and Joe; she hadn't worried about Adam as much since he was old enough to take care of himself and find entertainment on his own. But Hoss had never been bored… not like he was now.

A lump formed in Hoss's throat as he pictured her smiling face. He would never see that again. When Mama had died, Hoss felt as if a piece of him had died along with her and now, he was searching for anything to fill that empty spot. He'd felt one of those empty spots before; it hadn't been painful, just empty. As if something had been missing. That had been his own Mama; she'd died when Hoss was just a baby and he'd always felt her absence. But Marie had come along and she had filled that hole, though not enough to make Hoss stop wondering about his own mother. Yet she had given Hoss purpose, something to do and something else to live for. And she'd made Hoss realize that there was room in his heart to love someone else; just when he'd thought he was complete, she gave him a younger brother.

The three of them had been inseparable, Marie, Hoss and Joe. Never seen without each other and constantly playing games. Adam and Pa had looked after the ranch and they usually would arrive home to find all three of them laughing. Pa laughed a lot too, going to see what had happened while he was away while Adam would sit in his blue armchair and watch them, smiling and giving his witty insight on occasion. Then Mama would take Joe and Hoss up to bed, always telling Hoss a story. Usually they were so good that Mama would have to tell it over several nights…

A hand on his shoulder startled Hoss from his memories and he looked around to see Adam standing behind him, smiling sympathetically. How long had Adam been there? Hoss hadn't even heard him come downstairs. Hoss suddenly realized that his cheeks were wet. As he wiped away his tears, he looked up at Adam and gave him a watery smile. But he allowed more tears to fall as he blinked them out of his eyes.

Adam squeezed Hoss's shoulder and said softly, "Thatta boy." He walked around the settee to sit next to Hoss.

Hoss buried his face in his hands but Adam was able to understand him when he said, "I miss her so much." Hoss then started to sob, just as Joe had earlier, and, just as he had before, Adam comforted his brother the best way he knew how, wrapping an arm around Hoss's shoulders, offering support without words.

Adam knew exactly how Hoss felt; Adam had been in the same situation with his own mother dying from childbirth then Hoss's mother dying shortly after Hoss was born from an arrow in the back. Even though Adam had to also deal with the thought of if he had not lived, his mother would have, he had experienced more sorrow than Hoss or Joe could imagine. Adam did not think himself higher than his brothers because of his additional suffering. He did not use it to win arguments nor did his thoughts stray to how horrible a life he'd led when either of his brothers complained, measuring his situations by his own. Adam instead felt relief that his brothers would not have to experience all that he had or witness a fraction of what he'd seen. And at this time, when Hoss and Joe tasted some of the agony and sadness Adam had gone through, his heart nearly cleaved in two. While he did not want them to suffer, he also knew that grieving and pain was all a part of the natural process of moving on.

And so Adam said nothing all the time Hoss visibly grieved his stepmother. After many tears, Hoss gained control once more and took several deep breaths. Adam squeezed Hoss's shoulder.

"See? Don't you feel better now?" Hoss nodded, wiping his cheeks with his shirt sleeves. "Now, just because you let yourself grieve for Marie doesn't mean that you will wake up tomorrow and feel normal. It will still hurt and you'll still miss her… but you can also begin to move on." Hoss didn't say anything for a few moments, but when he turned to Adam, his eyes looked clearer than Adam had seen in weeks.

"Thanks Adam. For everything." Adam nodded and stood, slapping his brother on the back.

"I'm going to bed," he said. "I suggest you do the same; it's been a trying day." Hoss stood and followed his older brother upstairs. Both went to their separate rooms, prepared for bed, and fell asleep without any more tears.


	4. The Nightmare

Several hours later, Adam jolted awake to piercing screams. He flung himself out of bed, stuffed his shoes on his feet, and flew down the hallway only to slide to a stop in front of Joe's room. He opened the door and, from the moonlight filtering through Joe's window, saw the young boy thrashing wildly in his bed. Adam quickly crossed to Joe, seizing him and holding him still.

"Joe! Joe, wake up!" It took some doing, but Joe finally blinked awake and looked around to make sense of the situation.

Then Joe flung himself into Adam's waiting arms, crying, "Oh, Adam!" As his younger brother broke into sobs for the second time that day, Adam tightened his hold and took Joe over to the rocking chair at the opposite end of the room. Joe sobbed into Adam's night clothes, not even noticing when Hoss poked his head in to make sure Joe was all right. He'd seen Adam and Joe almost instantly and realized that that was the only time in which Adam was willingly being physical, holding Joe close and rocking him. Hoss left the two of them alone with a small smile on his face.

When Joe began to calm down enough to talk, Adam asked, "What was your nightmare about, Buddy?" Although, Adam had a pretty good idea of exactly what.

"Mama," Joe said, sniffling. _Just as I thought_, Adam thought, but he said nothing. "She was stuck in the mud and… I-I tried to help her. I found a shovel and tried to dig her out but no matter how many times I dug, she kept sinkin' into the mud. And Pa was behind me, asking me to get her out and I tried… I tried so hard, Adam but she just kept sinkin' until she was gone. Pa started cryin' and I got on my knees to use my hands to get her out, but I knew she was gone f-forever." More tears managed to squeeze through and Adam held Joe even tighter, wishing that he could absorb all of Joe's pain and fear so that Joe wouldn't need to worry about it anymore. But that wasn't practical. Nor would it help Joe in any way.

"I tried, Adam. Honest I did."

"I know. I know you tried your hardest." Adam started rubbing Joe's back as he pressed his cheek to Joe's soft curls. "It's all right, Buddy. You're safe, and Mama's safe too; up in heaven. I know it was scary, but everything's OK." Joe calmed down slowly but surely, wrapping his arms around Adam and resting his head on Adam's chest.

Adam let Joe remain like that until he said, "OK, Joe. Now it's time to go back to sleep." Adam started to stand up, but Joe tightened his grip on him.

"No, please." The fear and loneliness that coated Joe's voice broke Adam's heart. He couldn't leave Joe alone.

"I'll tell you what, why don't you come sleep with me tonight." Joe nodded enthusiastically. "But you have to promise that tomorrow you will sleep in your own bed." Joe pulled away at that time and looked Adam in the eye.

"I promise," he said.

"Then let's go." Adam placed Joe on the floor and stood to follow his brother. Once Adam got to his room, he saw Joe had already climbed into his bed and was pulling the blankets up to his chin. Adam couldn't hold back a small smile as he kicked off his shoes and slid next to Joe. Once Adam was lying down, Joe moved over to him, snuggling up next to him and sighing contentedly. Adam draped one arm over his small brother and the two of them fell asleep.


	5. The Months That Followed

After that first emotionally exhausting day, life fell into a pattern for the Cartwright boys. Each morning, all of them would wake up in their own beds – Joe kept his word and never had to spend the night in his older brother's bed again… usually – and Adam would get ready for the day only to be the first one downstairs. He would make breakfast and wash any necessary laundry while Hoss would stay upstairs; making sure that Joe woke up and got ready on time. Then the younger Cartwrights would join Adam in what became their usual meal assignments; Adam was the cook, Hoss helped him with whatever was needed for that day, and Joe would set the table. Laughter was usually head during breakfast but once the meal was finished, the boys would pile the dishes in the sink to be attended to at a later time. Hoss and Joe would wander outside with food in their hands to saddle Adam and Hoss's horses, while Adam prepared one more plate of food and a pitcher of water. Taking it upstairs, he would leave it outside his father's door, taking whatever dishes lay there from yesterdays meals; there usually was minimal food missing.

The afternoons were spent out on the Ponderosa, usually checking on the cattle or an area of land that could be used for lumber. While this time of day was important and forced Adam to focus on the ranch more, he always found time to play with his brothers. He knew they'd be miserably bored if he left them at the house and besides, Adam was almost certain that Pa preferred the quiet than the muffled laughter of his sons, particularly of Joe, who was so like his mother. Pa's lunch food usually had more gone than his dinner one did, when the boys were at the house. Also, Hoss and Joe loved the outdoors. Adam taught them all he knew about cattle and when it was safe to log or unsafe. They seemed interested; they just didn't have the determination or willing attitude that Adam possessed.

Around mid-afternoon, the three of them would head back to the house, Joe usually riding with Adam since he wasn't old enough to ride a horse on his own yet. Darkness would set in by the time they'd arrive home and bed the horses down. Their meal positions would come into play once more and, even though dinner was usually more serious than breakfast, did not mean that they did not enjoy it or each other's company. On the contrary, they enjoyed one another's company very much; they were all that they had. Over time, the three of them even discussed Marie, much to Adam's joy; it meant his brothers were getting back to life, as he had desired.

After their meal, Hoss and Adam would wash all the dishes from that day while Joe cleared the table. When Adam took dinner up to Pa's room, Hoss and Joe would play a quiet game before Adam took Joe to bed. Hoss would quietly wander around the house for an hour or two more, doing as he pleased while Adam spent the rest of his evenings pouring over paperwork and mail, earning the Cartwrights more money and expanding their land. The ranch hands had become particularly important at that time for Adam had n o time to go to town and pick up the mail or the supplies between taking care of his brothers, tending to his father, checking on the conditions of the ranch, and settling business deals. So, he added an extra two dollars to any man's wages who'd go into town that day for him. Not only that, but he'd raised all of the men's wages since Marie's had died since they had to break broncs and tend to the cattle on a daily basis without any instruction. At first, not all of the hands had been too comfortable taking orders from a sixteen-year-old, but, they took one look at Adam and learned that it had been him, not Ben, who'd raised their wages, and none of them said a word against him. Adam conducted himself well and oftentimes the hands would forget that Adam wasn't an adult. Adam's management was not only impressive, but successful.

Adam would retire after an hour or two of business and, as time went on, he was woken less and less in the middle of the night from Joe's nightmares. They had been bad at first, coming almost consistently every night, and Adam would go comfort him until he had calmed down enough to go back to bed. Only several more times did Joe have to sleep with Adam, and even though he would never admit it, Adam knew he would miss these times one day.

He was unprepared for that day to come so quickly.

Ben finally came out of his room, ready to move on from his depression after months of not doing so. His sons were thrilled to see him and he promised them that he would give them more attention and take good care of them. The younger two immediately forgot that he'd been absent for months and they accepted him as their father once again. Adam had become the oldest brother to them once again, still adored and respected, but no longer their provider or parent.

Ben wasn't sure what to make of Adam after he came out of his depression. He was still Adam but he was a man now, no longer needing his father's guidance or care. In fact, Adam had not only taken over the job of caring for his younger brothers, but he'd expanded the Ponderosa to one thousand square acres and doubled the size of their cattle. He had also brought a Chinese cook into the house, Hop Sing, to attend to the meals and the house chores. Ben was pleased with Hop Sing and the two of them got along immediately. Yet, Adam seemed to be holding himself back; Hoss and Joe had immediately forgiven Ben and he'd slid into the role of father very easily once more, having no explaining to do concerning Marie or where she had gone. But Adam… He seemed somewhat distant from Ben at first, but that melted away with time. But Ben often caught his oldest looking at him with a lost and confused look in his eye before he'd turn back to the book in his hands as if nothing had happened. Ben soon figured out that Adam was lacking activity and gave him odd jobs to do around the ranch; repairing a fence, going on a cattle drive, or busting broncs. But the bigger jobs, such as the paperwork or being the foreman for a logging assignment, Ben thought he would save for another time; a time when Adam was older. For now, Ben wanted his oldest son to enjoy the rest of his boyhood.

Adam was confused, truth be told. He did not resent his father – never had and never would – but now that he didn't have to be a father anymore himself, he found that he had a lot of free time. Actually, it was alone time plain and simple. His father tried to keep him occupied with jobs, but neither Hoss nor Joe could really help with them; they were too young and inexperienced yet. And without the ranch constantly preying on his mind, testing his mental abilities, he found himself growing bored, reading now his only solace, as it had been before Marie's death.

Adam couldn't express in words how grateful he felt to see his father up and about every day, interacting with his brothers and working. But, without the positions thrown at him, who was he? What was he to be called? Where did he belong? He very seriously considered those questions and more for weeks but with his brothers, father, and the ranch hands always around as constant reminders of who he'd been and what he'd become – what he'd lost and what he'd gained – he found it difficult to understand who he was.

So he made a decision, one he hoped Pa would go along with and support him in.


	6. The Request

"Pa?" Adam's voice caught Ben by surprise as he looked up to see Adam standing at the top of the dark staircase; he'd sent the boys to bed an hour ago, what was Adam doing up? And still dressed?

Just as Ben was about to reprimand him, he caught himself, realizing that Adam wasn't a boy any longer and went with a gentler tactic instead; "Adam. I didn't realize you were still awake. Is there something you want to talk about?" Ben set down the papers he'd been glancing over on his desk and stood, walking to the bottom of the staircase.

As Adam descended, he said, "Yeah, there is. Do you want to sit down?"

"Is it that serious?" Ben eyed his son as he walked down the last few steps.

"Yes, it is." Adam motioned his father toward the settee as he sunk into his favorite blue armchair. Ben was filled with apprehension. What could be so serious to a sixteen-year-old that he needed to come to his father at night? But Ben complied, sitting across from his son, whose face was full of seriousness and reservation.

"Pa… I've been thinking a lot lately and… if it is financially possible, I would like to go to college." Ben was floored. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but it had certainly not been this.

Ben was not able to speak for several moments, but when he could, he asked, "College?" Adam nodded. "But, Adam that's… You'd be all the way over in New England. That's… far from here."

"I know." _That's what I need; to be alone. To figure out who I am._ Ben could tell that Adam had made up his mind and wouldn't change it. Yet Ben hesitated; not that college wasn't affordable, but he didn't want to send his son away. Adam would be gone for at least a year, possibly more. To send away the stable member of the family, the problem-solver, the responsible one, Ben's business partner… the one who had kept this family and ranch from falling apart for the months that Ben had been unable to leave his bedroom because of the pain. Not only would Adam be missed terribly, but the delicate balance of family life that they'd had constructed over the past weeks would be shattered.

_No_, Ben thought, observing his son who sat patiently waiting for an answer. _It wouldn't shatter. Just… transform. Perhaps Adam would fall into his rightful position in the family if he was able to consider it from afar. Goodness knows the boy's confused now…_ Ben realized he'd just made up his mind. He sat forward on the settee, clasping his hands. He looked into Adam's eyes.

"Adam… of course you may go to college. Just… don't forget where you come from or who is back here, waiting for you to return." Adam nodded, happiness and thanks shining from his gaze. Ben immediately knew that he had made the right decision. "You also need to do the research. I will sign anything that I need to, but you are responsible for enrollment." Again, Adam nodded, determination creeping into his gaze. "Very well. Now that that is settled, would you mind going to bed; it's much too late for anyone to be awake." Adam half-smiled at him, realizing his discomfort with the thought of sending him away.

Both rose and, as Ben walked back toward his desk, he heard, "Thanks, Pa." from the stairs. He turned and saw Adam there, looking down on him with love openly shining from his gaze. That was the first time Adam had shown Ben his affection since Marie had died, and he savored the memory, tucking it in the back of his mind to cherish for years to come. Ben smiled back.

"You're welcome, Son. Now off to bed."

"Yes, sir."

As Adam climbed the stairs to his bedroom, he allowed his grin to fully cover his features. He could finally begin his own healing process…


	7. Epilogue

The thunderstorm continued merciless, lightning illuminating the sky every few minutes only to be followed by booming thunder, shaking the house to its very foundation. Ben, Hoss, and Joe each sat on their beds, all lost in his own thoughts. All had been remembering that time after the death of Marie. All had seen but not realized the scope of Adam's actions.

He had been so strong, putting himself and his own needs aside to tend to his brothers and to the ranch. His usual stoic nature had melted in those few months, revealing a man who cared deeply for his family and for the land which he lived on. He had become the world for Hoss and Joe, but had respectfully stepped aside once his father reappeared, even though it was incredibly painful for him to do so. He had never complained or given a thought to himself, he had only focused on expanding his father's empire and the healing of his family.

As lightning flashed once more, the younger Cartwright boys found that sleep was only wishful thinking and pulled their boots on to go downstairs only to run into their father in the hallway, his dressing gown on. They exchanged a depressed look before they continued down to the Great Room. They were all half-way down the staircase when they realized that they were not the first ones down there.

Adam sat in his armchair, a book in his hands, quiet and, as usual, reserved. The thunder had silenced their steps, so he had not noticed them. At the sight of him, all of his family were hit by the impact of what Adam had done for each of them individually and they were unable to move for a moment, so caught up in their emotions. But once the thunder died down, they all had smiles on their faces as they walked down the last few steps and greeted Adam warmly. He looked up as they joined him, a smile in his eyes.


End file.
